Cody and I walked hand in hand across the sandy beach towards where Trevor and the officiant, a local judge, were waiting. The spot, named El Arco, or as us English folks call it, the Arch at the End of the World, was where we were going to be wed. I snickered at the irony of its name, because at one point in my life, not long after David had left me, I thought it would take the world ending for me to ever want to get married again. But that was a lifetime ago, or at least it felt like it.

As we approached the end of the rock formation, I could hear Trevor's nervous chatter with the officiant just out of sight.  I stopped and bent down to talk to Cody. I knew that getting married was my decision, but one that deeply affected him. He assured me with an easy smile that he was ready and that we were already late. I hugged him, proud by his prompt confidence. I then straightened up, took a breath and continued with Cody around the arch. 

As soon as I caught sight of Trevor, the butterflies began. I walked towards, him, thinking about what we'd been through during our time together. We'd survived some scary moments, moments in which either of us could have been justified running. From jail time, biker gangs, to black magic and crazy curses, we'd stuck it out because we loved each other. Cody and I joined him at the arch, standing before the officiant. As soon as Trevor took my hands and smiled at me, my whole being relaxed and I was ready. We nodded at the officiant, and he began his speech, one I'm sure he'd given hundreds of times. I tried to listen, but my mind was racing with thoughts of my last wedding, its horrible ending, and how somehow, I knew this was different. It just felt different, very calm and well, right. 

I was jarred back into the moment by the officiant calling for our vows. I winked at Trevor as he turned to me, searched deeply into my eyes, and flashed his brilliant smile. 

"We have been through a lot together since we have met. Through the good, through the bad there has been one thing that has always been there: The love that I have for you.  Nothing is going to change that.  I swear to you, to keep that love going strong, through the thick and the thin, the good and the bad. I promise to adore every moment we have together, and to help make Cody as good as a boy that I can."

His words were simple, honest and heartfelt. They were truly who he was, and what he was feeling. I felt tears well up in my eyes as he spoke, and relished the swelling in my heart. The officiant nodded at me, and I struggled to convey the feelings I had inside for him at that moment.

"Since we met, each day has been filled with laughter and hope, love and understanding. From this day forward, I vow to share everything that I have and all for which I hope, everything in my heart, my mind and my soul with you. I pledge to make you laugh, to make you happy and to make you waffles and pie. I promise to walk beside you, cherishing each moment we share, through both the sunshine and the darkest storms, until we are old and gray. You are amazing, and I love you, and will love you always."

We shared a smile, before the officiant asked us to exchange our rings. I quickly turned to Cody, who fished Trevor's ring out of his pocket and dropped it into my palm. I took the silvery piece and awkwardly placed it on his finger, finally, with some effort, getting it over his knuckle. He chuckled as he took my hand, slipped a matching ring onto my finger. Our eyes met again, we smiled and expectantly faced the officiant, who directed Trevor to kiss his bride. I giggled as he kissed me, in his exuberant way. 

I laughed and pulled my boys across the beach to a small cafe at its edge to celebrate. Fajitas, tequila and fried ice cream--could life get better? At that instance, I didn't think so.  We were now married. Husband and wife, 'til death do us part. The thing I had once equated with the apocalypse, turned into one of the most meaningful moments of my life. Our family's journey had begun at the place where many had thought the world ended. 

I sprayed beer across the RV's wobbly, propped up table.

"Married? Here?" I sputtered.

I hadn't been on the ground in Cabo more than a few hours when Trevor suggested we get married Sunday. My head spun with thoughts ranging from its legality to rings to what I was gonna wear.  It's not that I don't wanna get married, I just was surprised. I'd be a fool not to marry this patient, loving and gorgeous creature who makes me laugh daily until I can't breathe. I'd agreed to do just that 6 months ago, just hadn't gotten around to it. I kept thinking that we'd do it soon in the future, you know, a couple of months from now. He always tells me that the moment is the only time you ever have. And he's right. What are we waiting for?  Why not now? We're here, Cody's here. We're madly in love in a beautiful setting with time on our hands.

So Sunday it is.

There comes a time when you realize that things are not going as planned, and it’s time to reevaluate the situation and take action. That time has come with a storyline that @Trevor_Murdoch’s writer and I have been working on since July.

About four months ago, we thought it would be interesting to do a storyline that would stretch our characters, something edgy and meaningful. Considering Trevor’s strong desire to have a family of his own and Holly’s reluctance to commit to a serious relationship, we felt an unplanned pregnancy could help both our characters explore some real, hard emotions and reactions. So, we put this idea into motion, all the time knowing we were going to eventually lose the pregnancy. We planned it all in great detail-time lines, how the news was going to be broken, everything except how difficult it was going to be to go through with the actual loss on the stream. 

Three months ago when we announced the pregnancy, we were still very focused on the storyline’s end. We did not anticipate how emotionally invested our readers, friends and even ourselves would get over this storyline on Twitter.  Each week, it became more difficult to lose the pregnancy, so we continued to delay the storyline‘s climax.  Now it is to the point where action must be taken. We have decided that we do not want to act out the loss on the stream, because it hits too close to home for many, and would be very painful for our friends and readers, as well as, ourselves. The alternative, where Holly and Trevor would continue the pregnancy, is not an option we wish to entertain for our characters either. So with the help of a very close and dear friend, we decided to do this Posterous and eliminate the storyline altogether. 

I know many of the hard core RP’ers will turn up their noses at our decision, essentially telling us to lie in the bed we had made. I initially felt this way when someone suggested that I “poof” the storyline. The more I considered it, I realize that I personally would not be able to tweet the loss, with all the intense emotions involved; nor would I be able to read the way our twitter community would react without risking my own emotional security.  I feel, and Trevor’s writer agrees, that this is the best course of action. 

Moving forward, Trevor and Holly will no longer be expecting a child. It will be as if the storyline never existed. This was a very difficult decision for both of us, and it took a very long time to reach this course of action. I hope all of y’all will continue to read and tweet with us in the future.  I look forward to doing storylines with any of you that wish to and am always encouraged and humbled by the support and camaraderie that exists in the Twitterverse.

Thanks for your understanding and your continued support. 

 ~Holly's Writer

I must protect them.

I need more power.

I will do what I must.

Since I cast my first spell of the black magic variety, I have felt better about my family situation. Hallow helped me cast it and so far so good. Though, she happened to mention that if I wanted them to be really protected, I would need to use blood. So the next day, I invited her over, and we cast a more powerful spell, one using Cody, Trevor and my blood. Hallow assured me that this spell would be more powerful than the last. That's great. My family seems to need all the protection that it can get, but it got me thinking. Is there a MORE powerful spell? I can't lose them. Any of them. I need to do anything it takes to keep them safe. 

I got my hands on an old text about the Black Arts, or black magic, as we all like to call it. I started reading it last night, and what I have read has been amazing. Its funny...the more I read, and the more spells I tried, the greater the feeling of euphoria I had and the greater my lust for power became. My appetite to know more, to try more to do more of the black magic became insatiable. I stayed awake the whole night, reading and practicing. Even when I got home from getting Cody to school, I couldn't stop. I went right back to that damned text. I haven't eaten nor slept since I began reading it. Its become my life force.

The text, the black magic and finding that one spell that will protect my family, has possessed my thoughts since then. I don't care about anything else right now. Hell, Kawai and I got into a magical food fight this morning and our kitchen table is now a pile of ash, and I've not done a thing to clean it up. I'm hearing voices in my head, pushing me to read more, to practice more. They beg me to lie and steal...to cheat and to..well, I don't want to talk about that. I just know I need to quiet them, all these horrible voices. I'm mad with all the voices, I don't even know what I'm doing. I just want them to stop. Maybe if I find this perfect spell...maybe once its cast and I know for certain my family is safe, then the voices will quiet.

Thinking back on the last few days...what the hell is happening to me? 

All I know is that I must protect my family.

I need more power.

That perfect spell is out there. The one that will keep them safe.

I just need to find it and cast it.

Since the night I nearly lost Trevor, I've been scheming ways to protect my family from any harm. When you are faced with a problem, you always go for the most reliable, most powerful tool in your box. Well, for me that is magic. Thing is, my magical tools more closely resemble Fisher Price than Craftsman. The only way to upgrade those implements at my disposal was to improve one thing: my ability. The only way to do that was to find a stronger, more talented and powerful witch to take me under her or his wing and to nurture my fledgling ability. I've been trying to find a mentor for months when Hallow came into Merlotte's and had a chat with me. 

Now, I'd met Hallow once before, briefly at a coven meeting I had attended in Monroe. She was very polite during our brief encounter, but once she left, the hushed whispers grew to a roar. Everyone gossiped about her reputation, her penchant for the darker arts and her quest for power and money. I usually don't buy into that kinda talk, as its usually fueled by jealous and lies. But something in my gut that night told me to pay attention. I remember shivering when I took her hand in greeting. Maybe there was something to the quiet chatter of my coven mates.

I tried to avoid Hallow at Merlotte's that night. I ignored her texts and stayed tight lipped about my family. She continued to bait me with cheery talk and a caring demeanor. I started to doubt everything I had heard that one night in Monroe, even my own first impression about her. I ran into her about a week later at a Wiccan shop in Shreveport. This was just 2 days after the crash, and I reeked of desperation. She again approached me, and quickly found out my greatest desire: to protect my loved ones. She offered to take me under her wing, to teach me the most powerful magic and protection spells available. I asked if I could think about it, and she graciously agreed to that offer and handed me her card. 

Last night, after much deliberation and watching both Cody and Trevor sleep, I decided that I needed to take the next step. I agreed to meet with her for lunch. I rationalized that it was a simple thing, just to find out how she could help me advance my studies. 

So I met with her today at Merlotte's. She quickly won my admiration by casting a simple spell on Jennifer, one of the servers. With just a few words, she had her necking with Catfish in a corner booth. I no longer doubted her power, though, her intentions were still shrouded to me. Seeing that display of her ability, convinced me that she was talented enough and powerful enough to teach me want I wanted to know. I asked her if we could start immediately. She and I went to the ladies room, and we cast a protection spell over Cody and Trevor. She said it wasn't the most powerful, but it would work. During the casting, I peeked to see the water we were using turned murky and black. I had a surge of euphoria and power while I was chanting, one that I still have at this hour. I'd never seen anything like that, nor have I heard a chant like that. It was so intoxicating. I knew I wanted to know and do more. I begged her to teach me again...to teach me another spell. She told me that a more potent protection spell was possible, though I would need to bring the blood of my family for its casting. I did not blink, but rather agreed implicitly. 

As I'm riding high on this wave of newfound power and euphoria, I can't stop thinking about meeting with Hallow again tomorrow, about learning more spells, those new spells that I've never seen in any of my Wiccan books. That small thing we did today, oh, it was so delicious. It is like she awakened a hunger in me, one I'd not know before and one that I'm compelled to satiate . I had a small taste of that magic, and now I want more. 

I spat out the last scrap of fingernail I’d gnawed off my pinky, eyes steadfast on the pack of cars as they approached the final turn. I started to relax, as Trevor was easily in first, poised to win the league’s championship as a rookie, a feat previously unaccomplished. I'd released the breath I'd been holding, when I heard chatter on the headset about a “loose back end.”  I snickered, imagining all the off colored jokes Trevor and I would reap from that one phrase, not understanding its truly sober meaning in this situation. That is, I didn’t understand until he slid sideways across the finish line, and slammed into the wall. Apparently, it was not a joking matter.

As I watched the car veer out of control, I felt the horror gurgle up from my gut and my knees buckled as he hit the wall. I turned to look at Elfie and Kawai, and their faces mirrored my terror. The car stalled to an eerie rest.  I ripped off the headset, mindlessly cursing, pleading for Trevor to climb out and give a dumb thumbs up sign, any goddamn sign that he was still there, that our future had not just crashed and burned, too.  But everything remained still.

Emergency personnel swarmed the now smoking vehicle. My head spun, dizzy with conflicting thoughts. They all had one theme: I knew I had to get to him. I didn’t know what or have anything else I could do, so I ran.  I had been unable to protect him from this accident, and as I hit the outer edge of security surrounding the crash, I was unable to get closer. I stood impotent, watching paramedics pull him from the wreckage. I heard someone yell "Clear!" and the monotonic droning beep that followed. Restrained by an paramedic, I was not able to be with him when he passed.  I had no way to effect the situation to exert any control. I was powerless. 

What happened next is still a blur to me. Kawai pushed in through the crowd to him, grabbed his wrist and then closed her eyes. By this time, I’d become hysterical and was able to convince someone that the injured was my fiancée, and to let me pass. I rushed to Trevor’s side, arriving as he inconceivably opened his eyes and Kawai simultaneously collapsed. She appeared to be mangled, various cuts streaked her arms and her head was badly wounded--injuries you’d find on someone who’d just crashed a car. Trevor was alive, joking and free from any gashes he should have. Kawai had taken his hand, and somehow taken his pain and injuries onto herself.  He was alive and she lay motionless, apparently dead. Julian held her until she magically revived, as if nothing had happened. I am grateful for whatever happened, though I don’t fully understand it. Kawai’s actions not only saved Trevor’s life…but the life of my family. And as my whole future laid in the balance, I could do nothing, and that pissed me off. I don’t ever want to be in that position again. 

Now that I’ve seemingly been given this second chance with my family and my future intact, I will find a way to not be powerless next time something threatens me or mine. I already know what I need to do, just not how to do it. My studies into Wicca and witchcraft have opened my eyes to many realms of possibilities, many of which may be ways to solve my problems. Surely a few well placed spells and magic can help me protect those most precious to me, right? Maybe I could have put a protective spell on his car, that night or an incantation that would’ve someway shielded him or Kawai from feeling the horrific pain. I want to know how to erase that horrible memory from Cody’s mind, so he won’t have nightmares. The thing is, in order to advance my studies in this subject, to get to the skill level needed to cast these spells, I need to be taught by someone with far more experience and talent than I have, someone who's dabbled in both the white and black varieties of magic. I promised I'd avoid anyone or anything to do with black magic.

As we walked away from the track, heading for home after the hellacious night, I caught my first real look at his race car. Big mistake. The crumpled front end and twisted steel reinforced how close I had came to losing him.  No one should’ve survived that crash…and technically, he had hadn’t. He was dead for nearly 3 minutes. Three long, excruciating minutes. And in those minutes I thought of Cody, how hard he would take the loss. I thought of our baby, and how she’d never know her father.  I thought of how I’d lost the truest love I’d known and my best friend. I turned away from the sight, walking in the opposite direction, holding on to Trevor. With the mangled mess behind me, yet starkly seared in my memory, I resolved to do whatever it took to keep my family together.  Whatever it took. Swallowing hard, I looked into his eyes. There I found my resolve and my courage, to do that which I promised myself I would not. 

I will never be powerless again.

I made a huge mistake.

I put off introducing Trevor to David until it was way past due. I dunno why I neglected this. Yes I do. Its because I knew exactly how David would react. His anger. Not sure why he’d be angry, but I knew he would. Maybe it would be because I was finally replacing a slot only he had filled. Or the prospect of Cody’s attention being further divided by another male. Or maybe just cause he is full of vim and poison when it comes to me. Any way you slice it, I was avoiding the exact scene that happened yesterday…a discussion which devolved into yelling, hurtful words and tears.

And he knew exactly which buttons to push. The maturity button, the bad mother button and the I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU, NEVER HAVE button. He played me like a fricking baby grand. He’s always been gifted at that. And he said some hateful things, but some of them were merited. I should have told him about the seriousness of Trevor and my relationship sooner than I did. I should have introduced them, so he would feel assured about with whom his son was spending time. Not that he did that with Allie, when they got engaged or he moved into their house, but you know, that doesn’t count. 

And some how, Trevor came in being his smart ass self, like I expected anything different, crowing about that ugly ass orange truck in the drive. That is THE wrong thing to say to David. To Trev’s credit, he tried to smooth over the situation, and was way more cordial to David than he deserves. He tried to be rational, to say hey…woulda coulda shoulda…lets start from here. But David’s pot was already boiling, and there was no turning back. His quick temper flared, and all he saw was red. (ALL HE WANTED TO SEE) And he made comment that he was gonna take us to court, to get full custody of Cody. That would kill me. Will kill me. He started questioning Trevor’s past, which is his Achilles heel. He’s had incarcerations, stolen cars and has even committed murder. But that was his past, and he’s proven to me time and time again, that he’s changed his ways. Unfortunately, the courts, David’s lawyers and David won’t see that. They will just see his prison record, his felony convictions and write him off as not safe or good enough for his son. They’ll fail to see how he listens to him, spends time with him answering questions and sharing his day. Trevor shines from within when he’s around Cody. It’s amazing. He’s meant to be a father. 

I hope I haven’t messed this up for Cody, for Trevor and for myself. My cowardice may cost me time with my most precious gift. I don’t see anyway out of this. Trevor’s record is not gonna change itself. Maybe I ought to talk to David, maybe concede some time with Cody, just so I don’t lose it all.  I don’t want to lose another minute with him, but I can’t lose all my minutes. If only I can convince David that I am sincere, and not tip my hand as to why I won’t fight him tooth and nail. I know not what else to do, but to try to fix this mistake. My mistake.

27

Yep...that's how old I am now. While it feels as if I'm slowly inching my way to thirty, I feel like I'm sprinting away from my youth. So much has changed for me in the last few months. I went from having a horrible relationship with my ex and being single to conversing with him civally and enjoying the most meaningful romantic relationship I've had in my lifetime. Code and I have moved outta the only home he's known, an apartment at the Kingfisher Arms, into a comfortable home, with a dog, a rabbit and another person who loves us to pieces. For the first time since the divorce, I'm not scraping from paycheck to paycheck. Now, don't get me wrong...Trevor and I are by no means rolling around in dough. I just mean that I'm no longer practicing my circus act of juggling bills. So it seems on all fronts, my life, like the number in my age column, is maturing. And I guess it should be. I've been mourning my lost youth for too long. So long that I've almost forgotten to enjoy the mundane, every day joys that dot the road of life.  Little things like watching Cody and Zam play in the backyard, or a thankful smile from a coworker when you run a long ticket for them, those are what life is really all about. Sure we all remember the monumental moments that sharply alter the course of our life's events. But between those sparse milestones, are numerous ordinary cobblestone moments, everyday doses of joy that fill in the cracks, paving your life's path.

Funny thing...I stepped away from this journal entry to have a simple date with Trevor. Thought I'd come back, finish it with no problem. That was before I stubbed my toe on one of those major milestones I didn't see coming. It seems that Trev was also very content with the everyday joys of our life together. So much so, he proposed we walk our life's path together, until we are old and gray. Knowing him and how much I truly love and appreciate him, and he me, I said yes. And I meant it, whole heartedly. Each day as I walk that path, with him and Cody, I'll seek out and cherish those mundane cobblestones, simple drops of everyday happiness, cause I know that's of what life's path is truly made.

Just after sunrise, sitting here in my tiny apartment kitchen, sipping coffee and listening to the sounds of the morning. Birds are playing in the large pine tree outside my window, tweeting and chirping. I hear my neighbor's washer machine, obviously grossly unbalanced, drumming out a steady, driving rhythm. My own space is quiet, save a sound of which I've grown quite fond: that of my boys' battling snores. Ok..I'm probably just smitten, cause I know that same nasally buzz earns Trevor a poke in the ribs most nights.  Somehow, as I listen today, the sound has become endearing, welcomed, even expected during the past weeks. In fact, I'm certain if it disappeared, I'd sorely miss it.  I don't want it to go away. Ever. Jeesh.  Even Trevor's snoring is pushing me to agree to his proposal to move in with him. So why am I dragging my heels? Is it my past? Is it Cody? What about Fear? Why do I feel my feet are cemented when I'm supposed to leap?  I suppose its bits of all of those things, chopped up and squashed together causing me to stall.

Perhaps it is me and my past that is tethering my toes firmly in place. My history with relationships has been less than stellar. The crown jewel of that lot being my ex-husband David.  It is true that David hurt me. I'd given myself completely to him and he chose anything else. But, Trevor is not David, nor could he ever be. Even in the relatively short amount of time I've known him, he's proven that to me a thousand fold. 

Cody's my biggest concern. I'm not worried about Trev and Cody together,cause they get along like a house afire and are so fond of each other. He loves us, both of us and I don't doubt it. Neither do our friends, as Viv made abundantly clear to me yesterday. Everyone sees his love for him, his truth. I do too.  I just don't want to put Cody in a stressful situation if things should not work out with us, which I think is what I fear most.

So that leaves fear. The fear that he'll not stay true, or here, or in love. But what indication do I have that it won't work? Surely not the fact that he treats Cody like his own son, or has a patient and loving heart. Nor could it be the kindness I see him pay strangers and friends. There is his past, but that's just that: his past. My own past is nothing fit to print, and we can't live there anyway. Even who he was shaped who he is but not necessarily who he will be. The future is yet to be decided and its the unknown that I fear most, a terror that paralyzes many into inaction. I know I can't stand frozen, waiting for the future to become known to me, cause it never will. And I will have wasted countless opportunities and cherished moments in my stall.  I will not let fear dictate my future.

This decision is about the future, all of us, together. After considering why I've not accepted Trevor's invitation to move in with him yet, I've come up with no solid reason.  None. Not one sound justification as to why my feet are still dragging. He's right, we belong together, under one roof. Together as a family, moving forward.  I smile as I hear once more the delicate noise of my child's slumber rise and fall, answered by the more noisy response of my love. Chuckling, I pour another cup of coffee and settle down to listen to my family. I'll never tire of those sounds.